No Catchy Title, Just an Honest Problem

I've been staring at the forms on my computer for a few hours trying to wrap my head around the idea that it's halfway through October and time to start grad school applications.

Before that, I was staring at my GRE study book trying to muster the courage to open it.  Today I am a coward.

For the past few weeks, I've been debating with myself about whether or not I'm ready to go back to school.  I know I want to get my masters.  There is no doubt about that.  But I don't know if I want to get my masters yet.

I really like my life right now.  Granted, I am in a unique situation.  But I like not having homework all day, every day.  I really enjoy being free of that constant nagging guilt that comes from knowing there is always something I should be studying or reading or preparing.  I like it that my nights are free and my weekends are for fun.

But I also miss school.  I am and always will be a nerd.  I miss going to class and learning new things and constantly engaging in theoretical discussions.  But I don't know if I miss it enough quite yet.

Part of the problem, too, is that there is only one masters program that I want to apply for, and only one barrier to my application: the GRE.  If I was back in the states, it wouldn't be a problem.  I would join the droves of terrified, grad school-bound, mentally exhausted people at the testing center and come out five hours later knowing if I had what it takes to get into graduate school.  But in Indonesia, it's not so easy.  In order to register for the GRE, I have to call internationally to Singapore to schedule a computer test in Jakarta.  Then I have to get approval from AMINEF and my school to fly to Jakarta to take the test.  Then I have to book a ticket and a hotel, figure out where the testing center is, and hope I can get there in time.  Before I came to Indonesia, I thought that this would not be a problem.  Now that I'm here, however, it seems so much more difficult.  Going anywhere in this city, let alone this country, is never as easy as it seems.  Murphy's Law applies all day, every day.  Especially in my life.  And I'm starting to wonder if I, the girl who never seems to mind getting across these barriers in other areas of my life, want grad school enough right now to deal with all the hassle and the immense cost of getting there.

I'm starting to think that the answer is belum (not yet).

When I came to Indonesia, I made the conscious decision to not make any plans past May 22, 2011.  I had no idea what the upcoming year had in store, and I wanted to be open to any opportunity that might come.  But one week before I left, I stumbled across the perfect program for me - a Masters in Development Practice at the University of Denver.  So on a whim, I bought a GRE book and planned to apply while I'm here.

Now I'm not so sure.  Despite my best efforts, I cannot help but think about what happens when I finish my Fulbright grant.  Should I go to school?  Should I go to work?  Should I apply for the Fulbright research grant and spend another year in Indonesia?  Should I not worry about it?  Should I move back to the states?  Should I go to another country?  Should I, should I, should I?!

The worst part is that I don't have my support group here with me to help me figure it out.  I miss the people who know me best and can listen to what I say and read between the lines and help me realize what the best thing is.  It's at times like this that I don't know if I'm lazy, scared, or just not ready.